This is about Misunderstandings. Before I get into Misunderstandings that occur in personal and business relationships, I should explain why I sat down to write about this topic. Of course, current news sparks my interests. I apologize in this first paragraph if you are ready to click to another site. But some preliminary...
I watch and read a great deal of mystery, especially fiction, because nonfiction drama is rarely mysterious in either presentation or facts, although newly discovered facts are sometimes surprising. Nonfiction writers must do the impossible to prove their unbiased authority on the subjects. Fiction writers, however, have permission to weave facts and fantasy, build or dismiss characters, play god with timelines and plots. The audience of a fictional story is generally forgiving, willing to suspend their disbeliefs. The best fiction challenges people's beliefs. And one strategy that pushes against the boundaries of our assumptions is to create Misunderstanding. Between protagonist and antagonist, between community members, between lovers, between parents and child, or between predator and hunter. A Misunderstanding guarantees that the plot slows, the climax escapes its crescendo, the characters and events suddenly become real, and preconceived outcomes seem unlikely or feel deficient. Let's look at an example.
Rob Reiner's film, When Harry Met Sally, is one of the best of all romantic comedies. Misunderstandings were artfully and honestly used to confuse the audience, punish us for believing that Romantic Love would conquer Misunderstanding, and show us that the explanations we offer each other should never be based on whether one of us is objectively Right or Wrong. "I'm in the right; you're in the wrong." Every romantic comedy has that one big Misunderstanding that separates the lovers and begs the audience to wonder whether their Love can prevail. The Big Misunderstanding is in the plot. The audience expects at minimum one anticlimactic Misunderstanding, followed by a climactic Resolution. The reason we have this expectation is that Misunderstandings are innate to every relationship, whether romantic, business, professional, political, religious, or platonic. We live them. We just are not as good at reading the other person's mind as we presume ourselves to be.
However, Misunderstandings also trigger separation, argument, inappropriate reactions, bullying, retaliation, or violence.
Did you cry when you watched today's video of brave men and women in Minneapolis trying with their hands and bodies to hold back an armored ICE vehicle? I cried tears. I've memories of the 1960s and 70s when the evening news would show local police and federal enforcers responding to protests with violence and deadly assault. Today, ICE are terrorizing and killing people in U.S. cities. This level of state-endorsed brutality happens when The Powerful want The People to submit, when The Powerful no longer want to win The People to their side via good policies and positive results. Productive and honest discussions are no longer taking place. Misinformation and Misunderstandings fill the blank spaces.
What are the Misunderstandings? From where do they come?
One Misunderstanding is that this regime believes Americans will allow them without dissent to terrorize, kidnap, and kill immigrants in a mass brutal endeavor disguised as "removing illegal immigrants." Another Misunderstanding is that ICE, in all their military regalia and DHS authority, believe their own self-righteous mission and vision. They hold their beliefs to be self-evident. But they misunderstand the communities of people who live and work and play all around them. Why? There is Willful Ignorance. There is also the desperate need -- of angry men and women who cling to false grievances and racism -- to prove themselves when they are indeed the unhappiest, most reviled, least qualified to perform official duties, and most apathetic of all Americans. One cannot hold a human being's face in the sidewalk until he chokes to death or shoot a human being three times in the back unless one lacks sensibility and empathy. Half of the U.S. adult population are not armed with knowledge or the love of learning, much less with the factuality of systems and governance and events. However, they are armed with a daily stream of fantasy and disinformation that purposefully riles their white Christian male fears of losing privilege.
As you my readers already know, I was once a religious zealot. I misunderstood people outside my circles because I was young, inexperienced, foolish, and misinformed. As I learned to have confident conversations with people outside my circles, I began to doubt my beliefs. I became curious and aware. When 45 years ago, our pastor Fred Drummond called me into his office to reprimand me, he misunderstood me. He Misunderstood Me. In ten years of association, Fred Drummond did not once ask me what I thought; nor did his complicit wife, Lorraine. He called me in because I was questioning the church's vision and the Drummonds' behaviors. I had evidently said too much in confidence to his sister-in-law. He told me to be a nicer woman, more humble, that I would ruin my husband's chances. He did not ask me to explain myself, nor to express and defend my concerns. The Misunderstanding was intentional; he did not want to understand me. He rejected Me. He owned, still owns, the Misunderstanding that finally sent me packing.
This type of Misunderstanding is common in relationships. One person must at all cost Control the emotions, the story, the setting and the reverberations. One person must come out on top , while the other must walk away knowing he or she Lost. But relationships in love or business or religious association cannot be about Control or Power. No one is the clear Winner or Loser when the Misunderstanding is not resolved in acceptable Understandings. If the relationship is built on Winning/Losing or Right/Wrong, the relationship is built on cruelty. Sans mutual Understandings, acceptance, respect, and appreciation, the relationship has no substance. The relationship is a cracked plastic replica of an original bronze, valueless and weak.
I have recently deleted all my social media accounts. The Misunderstandings that plague our relationships will not be resolved on social media. Social media has not in twenty years built better societies, stronger bonds, mutual appreciation, higher respect for all our differences...the absence of positive results, no matter how much we try to explain our thinking or constructively debate issues or thoughtfully present facts, testifies to the power of Willful Misunderstanding...which testifies to our collective weakness in the grasp of oligarch-controlled propaganda.
You and I have very little ability to fight pervasive, state and oligarch owned propaganda. However, you and I can put genuine effort into Understanding each other as neighbors, family, friends, and coworkers.
Talk. Every time. Make time to talk it out.
Listen. Don't think about your responses while the other is talking. Do listen to every word and every facial/bodily expression as if you must repeat them verbatim.
Believe. What the other person says in conversation with you or in a small group is highly likely to be truth. Believe and empathisize. Then look for ways to be The Helper.
The Misunderstanding in a romantic comedy is sweet, a tad frustrating, a bit annoying, but realistic enough to help us anticipate forgiveness and love. But most Misunderstandings in our non-film lives can be, must be avoided. This is what people who want Love and Growth do; they talk and listen and believe.