Like most you, our family and close circle of friends are increasingly concerned with the dear ones who are aging quickly and in need of assistance. We are having conversations about end-of-life plans and decisions. I am nearly 72 years old...these conversations are as much about me as they are about others. One issue that resurfaces in these serious conversations -- no matter who is involved at the time -- is preventative measures. We challenge each other to think about our own decisions and the ways we influence each other. Of course, we talk about diet and exercise and genetics and environment. In addition, we talk about the personal will to survive, the desire to fulfill promises and aspirations, the ability to climb over mountains of financial struggle or illness or grief or overwhelming duties. And we come back to this question: Why does one person seem to thrive while another falters until they give in to defeat?
I believe that the will to struggle through, to thrive under devastating circumstances, to fuck failure and attempt a new path, to adapt to new conditions, to survive and then to thrive comes from an individual's mind. Although science has shown the power of our genetic makeup, science has also shown the power of the human mind. How can one person born with the genetic tendency to alcohol disease and addiction remain a sober and fully functioning person while their siblings or cousins seem unable to battle the disease and addiction? Environment plays a major role in life choices and outcomes. We know how important a supportive and stable family is to these choices. We know the effects of trauma, especially repetitious trauma like abuse/neglect or war or severe poverty/hunger, are negative and life-long. And yet...many people overcome childhood trauma, living productive and healthy lives; many people defy their supportive families and choose lives of self-harm and isolation. I did not get to choose the parents of my biological birth or the environment in which I was raised. Neither did you. So genetics, eugenics and environment be damned. One factor is present in every human equation: Every human decides how their genetics and environment will shape themselves.
I watched the documentary Unbroken on Netflix. It is an extraordinary story of seven siblings who were all born in 1930s Germany to a Jewish mother and a father who had converted to Judaism so that he could marry their mother. Their mother was imprisoned and killed in a concentration camp. Their father struggled to take care of the children on his own. Several non-Jewish German families offered shelter and food from time to time. The seven siblings not only survive the war and the Holocaust through unimaginable deprivations but also survive a long journey after the war to finally get new homes in Chicago in late 1946. The documentary includes interviews with these siblings. Their personal story has a theme -- somewhat hidden but available to viewers who pay attention -- that is shared in multiple other survival-documentaries. At any one time, and for very justifiable reasons, during the survival journey, the individual might have relented to the pain and suffering but refused to do so.
In every survival story there is pain, struggle, failure, disappointment, and fear. These experiences are present and sometimes persistent. However, these experiences and emotions are not enough to defeat the person living them. In every survival story there is also the will to survive, the will to do whatever one must -- even if it crosses ethical or moral boundaries -- to live another day and plan for another decade. What am I or you willing to do to survive, even if others around us are dying, even if we feel debased in our circumstances or prospects, even when forces around us are more powerful? The person who answers, "I will always only do what is right!", is unlikely to survive.
Obviously, this blog is not about hair loss or bankruptcy or divorce or falling out of favor on social media. This blog is about aging with the intention to thrive until the last breath. About being at the place in our lives where we wonder who will rescue us and know with certainty that no one but ourselves can rescue us. That my survival and ability to thrive is all on Me.
When Black Americans faced freedom after the Civil War, they began to share a mantra that spurred many toward achieving goals and accepting new responsibilities their parents and grandparents could not imagine within the confines of slavery: Do what you must do now to Do what you want to do later. Their children went to school, they built farms and communities, they protested against discrimination, they expanded Black arts and financial institutions and businesses. History shows that the Musts of their lives were often met with new discriminatory laws and actions. Whole thriving Black communities were razed by retaliatory white supremacists. But Black people knew that their struggle to live as they want and leave things of value for their heirs was never going to be easy in this nation of institutionalized rascism. They adapted and persevered and creatively contributed to our nation's strength and wealth.
I return to the effects of aging. Our muscles weaken from disuse, so we exercise them, faithfully and purposely. We are not concerned with body shape as much as with our body's ability to balance itself and move with minimal assistance. We challenge our minds with books and conversations and prose and research and puzzles. Not because we need to fill the hours but because we know that our brains are the muscle of our decisions. A mind well-educated is a mind resistent to scam, fraud, abuse, misinformation, and fear of the unknown. We share our stories because our lives were rich and useful and interesting. We want younger generations to understand what we experienced and learned and witnessed in our time because we know for certain that much of history rolls itself around again and again. We plan projects and focus on their fruition. Again...not because we need to fill in the hours but because we know that aspirations give muscle to our minds, diminish our boredoms and struggles, and that personal achievements give reality to feckle Hope.